"Mama, you are under oath. Now who did you see that night?" "Mamakoosaw." (jury gasps) "Let the record show Mama say Mama saw Mamakoosaw."

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) September 17, 2013

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

— Fill Werrell (@FillWerrell) January 5, 2013

The Boxer isn't quite as moving if you picture Simon and Garfunkel shooting geese in between the "Li-la-li's".

— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) June 3, 2014

On a recent visit to Rome, Prince presented Pope Francis with a joke book. He says only wanted to see him laughing in his papal reign.

— Neil (@_Enanem_) June 4, 2014

If Rick James thinks that liking "incense, wine and candles" is super freaky he needs to get out more.

— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) July 27, 2014

"I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) July 21, 2014

Got caught in the rain today. I liked it. Gonna try piña coladas next.

— FleurDeLea (@celestinelea90) July 18, 2014

Imagine Mumford & Sons' sons. Wrong. More tweed.

— ibid (@ibid78) July 19, 2014

To: Everybody Subject: Dance Now Cc: Music Factory

— Chris Serico (@ChrisSerico) June 24, 2014

You could play me a Motown song about a barrel of dead cats and I'd still smile and tap my toes to it.

— Glynner85 (@Glynner85) June 18, 2014

There are "good relationships" & then there are relationships you can apply Mariah Carey songs to.

— Jess [ham] (@thejessbess) May 12, 2014

[A-ha rehearsal] "Here's the lyric: Take On Me." "What about Take Me On?" [4 hrs of arguing later] "Ok we'll say both. Now let's get perms."

— ibid (@ibid78) September 18, 2014

"Enya" is a whole album about a singer communicating with whales.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) May 5, 2014

I think Aaron Neville has an Auto-Tune stuck in his throat.

— Matty Kimbo (@asliceofkimbo) April 21, 2014

I typed Motley Crüe in my phone and the little dots appeared above the u automatically. What a time to be alive.

— The Captain (@cpt_ball_cream) April 3, 2014

BREAKING: Rydell High School Senior quarantined due to chills. "They're multiplying," the CDC explained. "And he's losing control."

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) November 3, 2014

Could a murderer do THIS? *lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance* I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

— Wilde Thing (@WildeThingy) September 26, 2014

[5th grade music recital ends] <applause> Hipster: "Ugh. They were SO much better in 2nd grade."

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) September 25, 2014

Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting" is so much better if you look at it from the perspective of a pizza.

— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) November 10, 2014

Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now, for the love of God, get your shit together.

— jerry lock (@jlock17) February 28, 2014

Jeff Goldblum's laugh pic.twitter.com/SxVJTnYrKw

— Phil Edwards (@Live_for_Films) October 22, 2014

My favorite way to punish the kids is by dropping them off at school, windows open, blasting Katy Perry, and singing at the top of my lungs.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 25, 2014

My life is more like rage against the washing machine.

— Kazmorphosis (@kaztharsis) September 24, 2014

*ends every handshake with the lift from Dirty Dancing*

— ibid (@ibid78) August 24, 2014

How many Gb is Trent Reznor's "Rachet Sounds" folder, do you think?

— Jason Kottke (@jkottke) September 30, 2014

The Tide is high, but she's holding on. pic.twitter.com/6NJC0Ah6ZT

— melissa (@melibuff) August 31, 2014

In 1989, Bonnie Tyler dumped me for her career. I'm still trying to get over her but *wipes tear* every now and then I fall apart.

— Eldge (@Sickayduh) September 13, 2014

I love my electric toothbrush, but sometimes I just have to break out the acoustic.

— Sherlyn Wanzek (@Sherlyn_Wanzek) September 27, 2014

Sometimes the hope that somewhere in this crazy world there's someone with a cat named "Cat Benatar" is all that keeps me going.

— Travis Kennedy (@ObscureTrevor) August 21, 2014

My girlfriend told me that my Tom Petty obsession is getting out of hand, but I won't back down on this one. No I won't Back Down

— Christopher Sherk (@TheIronSherk) September 4, 2014

If you sing 'Eye of the Tiger' as you fall down the stairs, people will think you're a champion and it's not as embarrassing.

— moody monday (@mdob11) August 13, 2013

Did Hey Jude end yet?

— Gian D'oh (@GianDoh) October 4, 2014

[New puzzle] Pat Sajak: Jesus, take the wheel. *Jesus spins* Jesus: Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. Other contestants: OH, COME ON!

— Tony (@Tmoney68) October 3, 2014

There are literally zero words that rhyme with California yet the Red Hot Chili Peppers continue to mention it 72 times per song.

— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) November 7, 2014

"You know what this song needs? More banjos! Also, Evan can you go out and pick me up a new fedora?" – Sons of Mumford recording session

— Fonzie's Evil Twin (@caperbc75) August 29, 2014

Thanks to the humidity, right now my hair could best be described as "Garfunkel-esque."

— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) September 29, 2014

*tries several times to connect to the internet using a dial-up modem* *reaches #1 on the dubstep charts*

— The Cat Whisperer (@TheCatWhisprer) August 29, 2014

Apple's collaboration with U2 extends all the way back to the iOS 6 launch of their Maps product, where the streets have no name.

— Graham Lee (@secboffin) September 11, 2014

You guys are lucky. Blackberry gave everyone a free Celine Dion album.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) September 16, 2014

Adam it's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Levine! You know that new sound you been lookin for? Well listen to this! *crushes testicles in vise*

— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) November 3, 2014

Didn't we just hear this song? - me listening to country music.

— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) August 18, 2014

"Killing Me Softly" is actually a song about my family reunion.

— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) September 22, 2014

John Mellencamp's rap name: Lil Ditty

— Leather Britches (@ElPasofist) October 5, 2014

"Hello, 911? They're playing Pearl Jam on an oldies station."

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) December 3, 2014

Working on a new version of 'We Didn't Start The Fire' that's just "Bill Cosby WTF" over and over and over until the chorus.

— Jason Isbell (@JasonIsbell) November 20, 2014

[Miami] Gloria: I want to Instagram my salad. - But? Gloria: The pic's not right. - Maybe… Gloria: Don't say it. - Turn the beet around?

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) December 9, 2014

"She seems to have an invisible touch." (Genesis 19:86).

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) December 12, 2014